I first noticed the story on a mainstream news site.
Joshua Harris, who penned I Kissed Dating Goodbye announced he and his wife are headed towards divorce.
While I had heard of the book so many years ago I never gave it much attention. At the time it was published (1997) I already was married and wouldn’t become a father until 2001. Therefore it simply wasn’t a tome that was worth my time.
Over the intervening years I heard it referenced occasionally. One of the best examples was from our then-pastor’s daughter’s wedding. While my wife and I didn’t attend we heard how the bride’s father (also the officiant) stated at the ceremony’s culmination: “And now (her name) and (his name) will share their first kiss.”
Really?
Welcome to the concept of “purity culture.” Turns out I was in proximity of some adherents without knowing about it overtly. My daughter, who is now a young adult, mentioned recently that one of her previous youth pastors believed in that point of view. As it turned out, per my daughter, virtually none of the young people from that time followed through with dumping the hugging-kissing-dating lifestyle.
And that’s not a bad thing.
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Even today I’m not sure why the Joshua Harris news got my attention the way it did. After reading the aforementioned news story I then did an Internet search and spent some time reading others’ opinions on the matter.
Then I got to wondering just what I Kissed Dating Goodbye actually postulated. Problem: I didn’t want to spend any of my hard-earned cash on what is rapidly becoming a criticized and discredited book (even by Harris himself). But surprise, our local library had a copy! And further surprise, it was available! (Am I the only one around here who’s curious?) The next day I brought home the book and cracked it open.
Overall it’s a quick read, only takes a few sittings. And to my further surprise, I didn’t have a huge problem with his starting point: we need to take dating and romantic relationships more seriously and consider the larger consequences. Nor did I have any difficulty with his points such as don’t ignore the rest of your friends if you’re exploring the possibility of marriage and don’t become romantically involved just to satisfy your own desires.
But about halfway into the text I began to take issue with Harris’ thesis. Summing up my thoughts, I believe Harris took the dating concept too far in the other direction. The last part of his book addressed his views of old-fashioned “courtship” replacing the dating process.
I’d encourage anyone curious about the subject matter to read the book for themselves. As this is my blog, though, I’m more than willing to express detail on my reaction.
First, I take issue with Harris’ belief that single people who are attracted to someone romantically lack self-control regarding sexual desire. Balderdash! There are plenty of people, both religious and non-religious who demonstrate the ability to remain chaste until marriage. These couples also can agree on what physical contact is and is not acceptable up to the exchanging of marriage vows. I can even make the argument that having such a discussion can strengthen a couple’s relationship during the dating and/or engagement process.
Second, the “hands-off completely and no kissing, either” philosophy can give someone the message that sexual attraction and desire is something to be avoided. If a couple buys into that belief and keeps it throughout the engagement, what then happens after the marriage vows are repeated and the reception is over? I took a Human Sexuality class my very last semester of college and I recall a quote from the textbook: “Walking down an aisle and signing a marriage license didn’t make me immediately sexually responsive.” While I’m not in favor of premarital sex I believe taking the behavior too far the other way can be just as harmful. Or compare it to a teen driver who just obtained the license and is now given keys to a sports car and told to take it out onto the open road and wind the thing up to 100 mph.
Third, I believe all people are individuals and as such there is no “perfect” or “right” way to dictate these types of limits on others. If a couple makes a decision for themselves to abstain from kissing, handholding or other physical contact I take no issue with it. Yet it appeared many couples followed the “courtship” example laid out by Harris and others based on input and/or pressure from at least one set of parents. How is that the foundation for a healthy marriage relationship?
Fourth, Harris occasionally expands his views on anti-dating to an absurd level. This is evidenced in one of his anecdotes where Harris describes a time where he “messed up” by becoming emotionally involved with a young woman. (Yes, you read that right.) I’ll summarize it: He attended a two-week conference at a camp in the mountains above Colorado Springs. He noticed a young woman and she seemed to reciprocate. They began talking and realized they had plenty in common. One afternoon they drove into town and after a lunch together did some window shopping. After the conference ended they kept in touch, mainly via snail mail (remember this was before internet accounts and email were in everyday use) and phone. After a time they realized the relationship had no future and said goodbye. Harris expounds on how it was such a “mistake” to become emotionally involved with this female.
Really? How else are two people supposed to begin a relationship?
And what was wrong about it? According to Harris they didn’t even hold hands. What harm was done?
And that leads to my fifth point. Harris was all of 21 years old when he penned this book. And he’s the product of homeschooling. So not only was he only not even two years removed from being a teenager he’s also an individual who never experienced the ups and downs of puberty in the milieu of secondary school, either public or private. A question for the publisher: What qualified this person to write such a book? When I saw IKDG or his next book, Boy Meets Girl on display or listed in catalogs I always presumed this man was in his late 20’s or even early 30’s. Hard to take seriously a book with this subject matter penned by—I’ll just say it—a kid. Yes, he had a broken heart after the relationship I described in the preceding paragraph but that's a part of life.
Certainly explains chapter/section titles such as “Keys for Keeping Your Relationships with the Opposite Sex out of the Romantic Zone.”
My last point: Even though Harris clearly wrote this from a Christian perspective none of his material has Scriptural basis. Neither the Old nor New Testaments speaks specifically about what is and isn’t acceptable behavior for romantic relationships prior to marriage with the exception of fornication. Courtship as Harris describes it is based in customs from about a century ago and bears no resemblance to today’s world. Young people of both genders leaving home for college, career or military before considering a marriage remains the norm in our western culture. Why would anyone want to take several steps backward?
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If this entry captured your interest feel free to type “purity culture” into a search engine and read what’s out there. Sad to see a concept that offered an alternative to the sex-without-responsibility groupthink to have turned into something that ultimately caused more harm than good.
And it’s equally sad to see yet another marriage coming to an end. I agree with those out there in the infosphere who refuse to engage in schadenfreude about news of the Harris’ separation and likely divorce.
Here’s hoping the current crop of people leaving the nest, which includes my own daughter, figure out a healthy and reasonable balance between the two extremes.
